I was fourteen when I first created The List. It was a fun idea at the time, listing all the qualities I looked for in my “perfect” guy, but it’s something that’s stuck with me for a great deal longer than I could have predicted it would. I’m currently working on version 4.0, and getting progressively less sure that I’ll ever find someone who’ll fit the criteria, but that’s beside the point. The truth of the matter is that I’ve never really had a preference for a certain race, so it baffles me when I hear the terms “Asian fetish” or “yellow fever” thrown around. And since I am a product of my parents, I guess my refusal to believe that someone would date me solely on assumptions of my race comes from the way in which I was raised.
I was sitting with a friend of mine and her boyfriend, an interracial couple, in
Of course, I’d never really had that conversation with my parents. My parents tend to use humor to skirt around the topic of me dating, well, anyone. My dad calls himself an “equal-opportunity hater” and claims that it doesn’t matter who I bring home because he won’t like them. I’m daddy’s little girl in that aspect, and he also says that I’ll be single until the day that I get married. My mom is on the opposite end of the spectrum. While I wouldn’t call her an equal-opportunity lover because, well, that sounds kind of sketchy, she’s usually the one who gets along with all of the friends I introduce her to – boyfriends or otherwise. I asked her last week about whether or not she, in her heart of hearts, wanted me to marry an Asian and she replied: “Lena, I really don’t care what race he is…his family just needs to be willing to pay for the wedding.” She was joking (or not?) but what it really all boils down to is that I’ve never had pressure from my family to date someone of a certain race and, therefore, I’ve never really wanted to narrow my focus.
In the days since The List 1.0, I’ve dated both men of Asian and Caucasian descents and doing so has raised a few issues in my mind. One is the topic of fetishism. The first time I’d ever heard of men with Asian fetishes was during my first year of high school during an Asian American youth leadership meeting that went over stereotypes of Asian American women and men. Students older than myself started introducing labels like “Dragon lady” to me and noting that Caucasian men tended to like assertive Asian women – under the premise that that confidence would translate well in the bedroom. The notion was odd; I’d grown up in culture denial – always trying to fit in with my mostly-caucasian peers and hearing that some of the boys at my school liked my personality, but wouldn’t date me because of my race. Knowing that there were Caucasian men who actively looked for Asian women was both disconcerting and intriguing at the same time. It made me wonder if there was a stereotype, perhaps one that I barely knew given my age and relative innocent, that I’d be measured upon as I grew older. But I never really faced it head-on until I was in my late-teens. As I grew older, I started to happen upon men who openly admitted that they preferred Asian women and if I asked why, most couldn’t give clear answers. Although, when I did join an online dating community once for experimentation purposes, I did receive a message that stated something along the lines of “I love Asian women. They are so good in bed, but even better out of bed.” Yet, at the same time, I think that it’s unfair to pin the term “Asian fetish” or “Yellow fever” only on men who are not of Asian descent. How is it that different when an Asian man says that he exclusively seeks out Asian women? Having a preference is one thing, but narrowing in on one race alone is indicative of a close-mindedness that’s problematic no matter what color the person’s skin is.
The other topic that comes to mind after reflecting on my previous relationships is the idea of comfort and recognition. Dating Asian American men was simply easier because there were aspects of my culture that came naturally. One of my more serious relationships was with someone who was also Chinese and with that came the comfort of being able to talk about our Chinese horoscope symbols, myths that had shrouded our youth (like finishing all of our rice at dinner time for fear of having a spouse with a pimple-covered face if we didn’t), and an understanding of the differences between mandarin and Cantonese. My other long-term relationship was with a Caucasian classmate of mine in college and while he was very liberal in mindset, there were aspects of our relationship that could have been easier had we had more similar cultural backgrounds. I found myself annoyed at his disdain for Chinese food (even though I don’t have a particular liking for it, either) and his failure to comprehend some of the traditions that I’d inherited from my parents. Those were my two most recent and longest relationships, and I’ve come out of them without a higher preference for one race or another. I know now that I appreciate open-mindedness. It’s more important to me that someone be willing to learn to understand aspects of my culture, than to be part of it themselves. And, of course, that brand of open-mindedness is something that I’d value for parts of personality beyond my ethnic background – it extends to my taste in things like music and food, my ideals, and my passions as well.
The truth of the matter is that I’m very lucky that I was raised by parents with open minds and, because of that, I feel that going through life with a narrow focus would not do my upbringing justice. I have Asian American friends who grew up with tremendous pressure to choose certain careers and certain mates and, because of that, constantly feel as though straying from those set paths would be a disappointment to their families. Some of my girl friends have said that they view their youth as a time to experiment with dating other races, but know that they will eventually find an Asian man in an effort to satisfy their parents. And though version 4.0 of The List is still underway and there are plenty of versions left before I figure out what I really want, I take pride in knowing that race isn’t and won’t ever have to be a consideration. Whether or not he can support my growing addiction to shoe shopping, though…now that is something to consider.
23 comments:
I love dating white girls because Asian girls get jealous! its so funny... lol... i dunno why asian girls are so hung up on blond girls.
You have such a cute smile, I logged on just to find out what this latest AZN email was about...and it connected me to your blog.
After reading the entire message, I just thought that I would say that you have a nice, open-minded philosopy on life. However, I don't really get making a "list" and trying to find the "perfect" guy. It seems to go against the grain of what your overall train of thought.
Being such an attractive and intelligent person, you don't need a list--let your insticts move you.
By the way, I am a "white guy" (although that is quite a simplification of my family tree), and I am married to a Japanese woman (not Japanese-American). We come from different places, but enjoy our difference and often evolve (in a good way) because of them.
:)
Michael
I have the "yellow fever", but it only happened after I dated an Asian girl for a while. After that, I've only pursued and dated Asians.
I'm still open to any race, but if I have to choose I will choose an Asian. And I actually prefer "born and raised in Asia" girls over Asian Americans.
I admire your candor in speaking about personal aspects on family, dating and racial issues. The real test comes beyond dating and joining us, the minority of couples who are interracial married. After a dozen years and kids you'll be like all successfully married couples- compromising on all matters, sharing everything, trusting each other completely and allowing independence too. We speak Chinglish at our home and even narrower shorthand language of eye contact, body language, again something all old couples come to know. Good luck with the dating but eventually you just have to jump in . OK le? -DR
I am a caucasian male. My first girlfriend was black. Not an issue for her familly but her neighborhood was kind of scary at night. Men do fantasize about their physically ideal woman, but I think this just creates disapointment when they realise a persons body has very little to do with compatability. You should be open to anyone you have the chance to develop a relation ship with, and if it becomes romantic you have to learn acceptance of not only differences but shortcomings, weaknesses and strenghts.
Discard preconcepted notions about ideals, both physical and emotional, and grow with your partner.
As a caucasion who lived for many years in Asia and dated both Asian and European women while there, I have always prided myself on my liberal attitude towards dating one race or another.
Honestly, having dated a number of different women from different cultures and marrying a Korean American, I can honestly say that I am attracted to strong Asian women.
I do not mean the strong, independent, in your face type of strength that somewhere along the way, American women have adopted as a standard, but rather, strong in the traditional Asian sense.
I have not actively sought out an Asian woman, ever, and have dated lawyers and a medical student, all caucasion and people who I encounter in my world, since my divorce.
But the truth of the matter is that given the option, I would prefer to date someone who shared my interests, particularly Korean and Chinese history and culture. Yes, I do speak Korean fluently, and yes, I am culturally literate in the Korean culture. Quite honestly, I would probably prefer to live in Pusan, Korea, than just about anywhere on the planet.
So, my question is this, am I considered to have an Asian fetish? I have plenty of Korean friends who would never think of dating anyone besides another Korean. That works for them and I respect them for their right to make that decision.
I remember the comments that I would overhear when I would walk with an attractive Korean women in Seoul by some people. I just discounted the comments as coming from those who were not educated.
However, it seems to me that extremely educated people have similar attitudes anytime they see a caucasion man with an Asian woman.
Who really has the problem here? Someone who is closed minded and only considers outside appearances, or someone who truly appreciates the differences and thinks that much like diversity in our culture, diversity in a relationship makes for a far more interesting experience???
I'm a white chick, and I pretty much only date Asian men. Why? That's what I like best.
My mom has always said: "Try a little of everything on your plate, and then you can go back for what you like best." I dated white guys, Polynesian, Black, Latino, you name it, but nothing tastes as good to me as kimchi!
I think it's a matter of personal tastes, myself.
You want ballistic? You should see the messages I get from white guys when they find out I prefer Asian men.
They're TERRIFIED!
I am a black female that typically dates Asian men. I live in a major city and finding Asian men that are open-minded is a real challenge. Many of my black friends ask me why I am attracted to Asian men, and I couldn't explain why for a long time. I have spent a significant amount of time traveling to Asia, studying Korean and Chinese, and learning Asian culture. I respect the values and beliefs many Asians are raised with. I have dated Filipinos, Vietnamese, Chinese, Korean, and many others. I truly enjoy the differences between our cultures. Some blacks think that I don't respect my own culture, but that couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, I want to share the differences and celebrate the similarities. I have a natural attraction to Asians and Asian culture. Let's face it, my black friends just don't understand how I can sit and watch Korean dramas for hours. They just don't get it:) I realize the implications of an Asian man bringing me home to his family. I totally get that many Asian families are hung up on stereotypes. But, what I don't get is why white girls are always OK when an Asian guy wants to date outside his race. I have a lot going for me, and any parent would love me if they took the time to get to know me. They would know that I am very open-minded and I understand Asian culture and traditions better than most people. I would love to marry an Asian man one day, but I understand that may never happen.
In western society, there is already plenty of pressure for Asian girls to date white men. Just look at the media, its become a standard.
Whats more revolutionary is Asian men dating white women. Which is something that the US does not want to see. Lets push forward and say NO to the mainstream, and say yes to counterculture.
Counterculture is good. Mainstream is bad. We all know this.
What's wrong with preferring apples over oranges. If I go to the fruit section of the grocery store, I'm gonna get apples because I prefer them. I like fruit in general, but why not go for my favorite. Yes, its true, I have 'red fever' or an 'apple fetish'.
I have a friend who is a girl who says that she will not date guys shorter than her. I have another friend who I tried to hook up who has MS, but someone I talked to said that she wouldn't consider him.
I don't think its bad to have biases even if they are based off appearances.
As an asian-american, I prefer beautiful women(inside and outside), but that's just my bias.
Jimmy
I loved reading this blog because it gave me a perspective from someone at the opposite end of my own. I am a Caucasian female and I am married to an Asian.
Before we were even dating, I asked my mom if my father would think it was all right if I dated an Asian guy. Much to my delight (and partial embarassment) my mother asked my father for me and he had not a care in the world about it.
I have learned a lot about my husband's culture and can understand Mandarin pretty well at this point. His cousins have joked about me having "yellow fever" but I never liked an Asian before him,(though I must admit, I am attracted to them since, but must be because I'm biased :-P) but things in my life just led up to it, (I loved Chinese and Japanese culture from a very young age ...about 6 years old or so).
I get along wonderfully with his family. I love his father as much as my own, and our respective fathers are very good friends. My mom has always refers to my husband as "the prince" she somehow knew before I, that he was the one.
As for "yellow-fever" and Asian women being good in bed, I have also heard this stereotype from other races (Portuguese women, Spanish women, Latino women, Italian women...). My husband went to Taiwan a few years ago and while he was there he was teaching English. He was telling the students (all adults) about himself and that he had an Italian girlfriend back home(me). They all begged him to tell them how he got an Italian girlfriend! So... the stereotype is not only for Asian women alone. I also believe that it is true many men do have that "Asian fetish" but hopefully that lust turns into a real love.
My husband's cousins would gripe about white guys "taking their women." I asked one of them if he felt upset that I was "taking one of their men" and he said "No...because that never happens." I found it a bit nonsensical, but humorous nonetheless
I'm glad this topic was posted. I think that it is a wonderful thing when two people are in love. I find it even more wonderful when the couple is interracial and embrace each other's differences.
I also have a parent who is an equall oppertuntiy hater. My mom told me a long time ago that she would hate my wife no matter what, so I should just marry whomever makes me happy. I know it would make her happy if I married a black woman, since I'm black, but everyone figures since I'm learning Korean and have so many Korean friends that my wife will be Korean.
To me, you should marry the person who is truly your best friend. That's part of what dating is about, to see if this is the person for you. It should matter what their skin color is or where they are from. I'd rather my sisters marry a white men that treated them like queens than to have a black man beat them just to say they are with "strong black men."
Sterotypes are so sad and lame. I've had people want to be with me because they figure I could beat people up for them or that I might be a thug. (I'm 6'4" 285 lbs.) The truth is that sterotypes are for fools.
Not every black man is a thug, not every white man who likes Asian women is a pervert and the myths about women in general are all wrong. Believe it or not, some black and hispanic woman are not bootylicious. Not every asian woman is flat. There are a ton of bootylicious asian woman who are natrually curvy; more so than the other women you see.
And anyone wishing to marry an asian woman because they think she is going to be a horny, submisive wife needs to wake up. Asian women are strong women who will stand up for themselves and aren't looking for the role of someones slave. I can't tell you the number of houses I've been to where the asian woman is running the house. The husband is going to an Asian American church and waiting on his wife hand and foot.
There is nothing wrong with being attracted to people of another race, as long as it's for the right reasons. Love is beautiful and truly blind. Instead of thinking someone of a different race is a pervert for wanting someone of a different race, just be happy for people who truly love each other and have found each other. Besides, most of us here in the states are multi-cultural anyway. I'm a dark black man with roots that will take me to France, Africa, Great Britian, Germany just to name a few. Despite the color of my skin, I'm not 100% African American. So how can I be of so many different backgrounds and hate on other people because there are in an interacial realtionship? We all need to wake up and admit that if it weren't for interacial realtionships, most of us wouldn't be here today.
I have always desired women of all races.My motto is I love all women because I came from one.I am a black male,and I understand the differences that people have by dating outside their race,but I don't agree.I must say however what really got my goat,was the fact that I grew up where there was prejudice in my own race.Dark-skin didn't like light skin and so on.
I'm am so glad someone is talking about this. I'm African American female and I grew up in an all black community, went to an all black elementary school. I didn't really interact with other races until i started 9th grade. I've only dated two types of races so far, Black and Hispanic. But i really do like asian men, haven't met any that was open minded enough yet. Had some as friends, just not like.....that. But what attracted me were the sterotypes. Hispanics are supposidly very passionate and romantic, Asians are the mysterious, quiet type that just KNEW more about you from a glace. And Blacks were the roughnecks that wanted that strong black sistah to hold them down. I know it sounds far fetch. It was. It took being around more races to understand a little bit of what i wanted, and not only just in a boyfriend. I realized that those sterotypes were BS. I, Like you, want someone who is open-minded. I did realize, much to my mama's dismay, that I might not be black boys that much anymore. It has nothing to do with the color of the skin and everything to do with the wannabe gansta mentality. This goes for any race that i date. I just see it more in the black men. But grew up where dating outside my race isn't that acceptable yet. I see a lot of other people do, even blacks, but where i'm at, it still no. My mama wasn't too happy that i had an hispanic boyfriend, she let it be known that she didn't like it. But she did accept it a little. Which is a step, she always told me, i could be friend with anybody i wanted, just as long as i dated black. I broke that rule, and she knows that it will be broken a gain and she's becoming more open minded about it.
I think Asian-Americans in this country feel frustration from growing up in a society that puts Caucasians on pedestals while simultaneously demeaning other ethnicities.
Asian Americans, have grown up being called the names, witnessing the impersonations and knowing the stereotypes. Now Asian females are in favor, so when we see one with a Caucasian man, we feel like they've abandoned our commiserative group and gone over to the "enemy" as soon as the opportunity arose.
Sure, you can criticize us for this irrational conclusion – but after years of being told that we're weak, mean to our women, close-minded, having small penises and generally not too desirable – can you blame us?
What we all have to realize is that it's all based on fear of that and them, and insecurity about this and us. But this isn't anything new. It's happened this way with almost every minority group's slow route to social/white acceptance. Everyone is initially disregarded, then one day, you hear that "_______ girls are hot!"
And away we go...
I guess I can say my story here. I live in LA now. I am an Asian American man. I will make this story brief and to the point.
I guess I'm pretty traditional being raised with only the knowledge of the "ideal" lover for a man. One that's loyal, takes care of you, and will be beside you at all times.
America doesn't work this way. I learned this through my first girlfriend experience. Through time I realize that there is no such girl like this. Until I met one from my country.
She wasn't like any woman I have met in America. The concept of relationships in America to her was "crazy". Most relationships were pretty dishonest to her. She's a very hard worker. We're already planning on meeting our parents to see what they think. My mom has already spoken to her, and it went very well.
Americans seem to want to date someone because of how they can "cater" their needs. For example, they were cute, have money, good sex, etc. Our relationship is based on love, faith in each other, dedication for our ideals, and partnership in our dreams and hopes of our future. I feel much more alive with this.
I am white and married to a Filipina. It has always interested me how the race thing is never brought up by me, but by people of other races. I would not say that I have "Yellow Fever" or an "Asian Fetish". If I had a fever or a fetish, I don't think that I would be married! I'd be out running around chasing Asian women. I have friends of all different races. One of my best friends is black. I really only care about how I am treated by others on a case by case basis. I must not be the usual. When I was in the Philippines, there was only one occassion that I remember realizing that I was the only white guy walking around town in Lucena City. It was just an observation, and I soon forgot about it. Nobody ever made me feel self conscious about being "different". If anything, I felt very welcome.
I am middle aged, 44. I was previously married (to a white woman) and have an 11 year old daughter. My wife is 36, and has a son the same age as my daughter. I intend to adopt her son as my own. My daughter cannot wait to meet her new brother! We are still waiting for the immigration Visa. My wife and I share the same belief systems as far as religion and family. Although she is a Catholic and I am a "New Born" Christian, we share the same views on life. In the end, isn't that all that really matters?
When my daughter gets older and dates, I am going to do my best to not be a scary Dad... Well, I did say I'd try!
If she dates someone of another race, I would hold him to the same standards as any other guy. He should either be in school or working! I don't accept bums of any race. If he hurts her, I hurt him... Kapish? If he loves her and she is happy, then I will love him, and be happy for them. Well, that is a few years off...(I hope)
This is my response to chris's comment. Are we really? I was always given the impression that Asian guys are the most loyal husbands. Hardworking, goal orientated, loving, and considerate. This was coming from a white woman. I have dated other races as well...but the woman that seems to suit me is the one I know from my home country. She's just got a different mentality than an Asian American woman.
I guess I'm traditional in a sense that I have only dated Asian women, being an asian guy. I've thought about dating other women outside my race, but the closest I got was being mixed white/asian. I guess there really has to be a connection for love to work. I don't think it is wrong to date other races, as long as both partners are being treated equally and love one another. I think the bottom line is that as long as both are you are happy that is what truly matters. Color, beauty and skin color are just physical things, to go beyond that on a spiritual note, understanding each others needs without even having the other person mention them is key. Who cares what other people think, as long as both of you are happy with each other that is all that matters. I have a friend, who is an asian women dating an asian man, but she tells me his parents don't approve of her, because she isnt chinese. I thought this to be very strict, and asked her how she felt. And she was very hurt by this, because they have been together for some time now, and she doesn't know if he'll be the one to marry her, since her parents don't approve of this. So there is a lot of different views about this, traditional parents, racist people, etc. I've only been traditionally with asian women, so I have not encountered such stereotypes and hatred from anyone in regards to dating other races, but I can only imagine how far this will go. Just be happy, do good, and only good will follow. Karma 101.
It's so funny for me because since i started dating, I've only been with guys that are outside my race no asians whatsoever. I always dreamed that my perfect guy would be someone that is either Asian or Viet, but I have not dated any of them because I haven't found any that fits the characteristics that I want. Yet, the reason that those other guys that I've been with did not work out because he doesn't seem to understand my culture or my friends which is weird...LOL maybe it's just me not being satisfied with what I have...hmmm
The comments posted here are so moderated it's pathetic. You should consider another profession if you're going to practice only publishing POV's that appeal to you. There are no counter points mentioning the obvious racist manipulation of the media and promotion of Asian woman/Caucasian male relationships as the in vogue thing. Shame on you for not allowing others to speak out on this. Of course I don't expect that the community will ever see this post as long as you filter and control what readers get to see.
I think for the comments Lena Wong gives about cultural understanding coming much more easily when dating someone of your own ethnicity, at least, are the reason why white and black men who tend to date Asian women are often seen as having a fetish vs Asian men who date exclusively Asian. There's nothing wrong with wanting someone to understand your culture, and that's usually the response I hear when racial minorities say they want someone from their own race, not stereotypes like people outside the race often bring up.
In a perfect world, people would date another person because they have alot in common or share many of the same interest. But reality is that a small percentage of the world is that way. There are small groups of people that are willing to learn about their significant other's traditions and cultures, but many people date outside their race because of a stereotype.
Asian strangers ask me what race did I marry and when I respond with "Asian/Vietnamese," the look on their face is of confusion. It is sad when it is expected of me to marry non-Asian because it is "trendy" to do so. I ask them why they think that I would marry someone that isn't Asian and their response is because I am "Americanized". That doesn't make any sense to me. Humans tend to be attracted to the familiar/routines, so it isn't a far stretch to think that an Asian person can be more attracted to another Asian over a non-Asian.
Growing up, I was attracted to white guys. And in my senior year of high school, I was talking to a black guy. It was a friendship that started to blossom but graduation came and our paths went separate ways and nothing became of it. It wasn't until my sophmore year of college when I had fallen in love for the first time in my life and it was to an Asian guy.
It was nice that he understood when I told him that I couldn't do certain things. I never had to explain to him anything because he knew what is expected of me. It was nice that we shared so many things in common: family values, customs, culture, traditions, etc.
I have many family members and friends who marry outside of their race or nationality, and I do feel sad for many of them. Not because they are married to someone outside their race, but the lifestyle and the customs they have to give up because their spouse doesn't agree to. Can you imagine your spouse "not allowing" you to have fish sauce or rice in the house. Or not able to eat comfort foods that you grew up with because your spouse is disgusted with it. Marriage is a meshing of two people and sometimes two cultures. One shouldn't have to sacrifice a part of their identity because the other person doesn't agree to it.
Post a Comment